the feeling of good(it's different from happiness although pretty close) is so easily altered to the feeling of "blue"
:not about what i'm going through, more about how vulnerable my feeling is.
what people need while they are living through the hardships and fightings and all the struggle is .. extreme self respect?

today i could clearly see whats going on in her mind. so easy that it feels like just looking through a glass. the only ahrd part was making my mind that i will see whats going on with "C". let's call her "C". always, for me, the hardest part is making a decision whether i am going to love someone or not. that love, actually i'm not sure if it's really love, i mean, if it's okay to call it "love" , but that kind of affection (not to apposite sex) although its a friendship, i feel their all the same. So. it's so difficult to judge whether its ok or not, to love a person. and if i'm gonna begin to know about someone to decide, it's almost impossible to get to know without love. without love, its a pure torture. i don't know, i just don't seem to get the feeling of "pure" curiosity. or interest without affection. i find those things impossible for me. espcially when it comes to a feeling towards people.

clearly, she "does not" hate me. she just can't hate me.
likewise, i can't hate her. if there's so much common between some people, they just
can't find the thing that you can say bad about. But. still . it's hard and difficult.
"C" is a kind that really play with one's instinct. just do whatever she want to at that moment. and. Of course! there I found one big difference. I never (almost) do something with my instinct. at least externally. I try and try to keep it rational. which makes me need so much time alone.
so how are they? are they just doing fine? just like me? am i doing fine?
is it actually possible to know?i don't think so.


what is the problem with me?










i'm just too mmuch within me.
fuck.
almost everything sometimes feel like a bullet towards me.
what is it the way to feel okay with someone. am I not in solitude.

(book is one way)

can i live only with books.





just trying. im just trying. im just trying.
im just trying. im just trying im just trying im just trying im just trying
im just trying im just trying im just trying im just trying im just trying
im just trying im just trying im just trying im just trying im just trying
im just trying, you know.